I couldn’t believe it had happened. I sat with my eyes half closed in my mother’s lap. I could feel her tear s drip onto my scalp. It felt like snow on the television screen, but under my skin. My feet felt like lead weights sinking into mud. Everything was falling apart. I was in the novel that the baby ripped too many pages out of. I was here. The next thing I knew, I was there.
Out of my mother’s arms and next to her. I looked down at my shined black shoes and my black suit. The grass looked so vibrant next to the plethora of dark colors. I felt the wind push my hair up to tickle my face. It just begged for anything happy. I felt too numb to feel anything, until I finally looked up.
The black casket, the priest, the flowers with the green stems. I felt dizzy. My tear ducts stung at the sudden tears. I leaned back into my seat and let my head fall back. There was a gray sky and then there was Gerard. His eyebrows slanted upwards to his forehead. His eyes were slightly squinted and swollen. My lips moved around his name. “It’s almost over,” he whispered. I felt him run his fingers through my dangling hair. He kissed my forehead and lightly set my head back into place above my neck.
We finally returned to our clean hotel room late that night. I leaned against the bathroom door with my whole back. The water stirred the steam around the room. I made no move to undress. Everything felt too heavy-my pants, my shirt, my tie. I tore the silk off my neck and each button flew across the tiles wildly. My belt hit the floor falling like a metal snake. My knees buckled under me. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what I was feeling.
Hate- I didn’t get to kill him. Stress- I never wanted drama. Love- for Gerard. Disgusting- I was wrong about everything. Remorse- my mother lost her world. Heartbreak-Gerard was leaving. I felt my pulse in the pads of my fingers, my ankles, under my belly button, in my biceps, in my lips. I felt everything and it only brought tears.
I heard the door click shut. Gerard sat in front of me with a white towel wrapped around his waist. His hair dripped and I realized that we had been back long enough for him to take a shower before me. He reached up and touched my face. I pressed my face against his hand. His fingers wrapped around my jaw and I pressed my lips into his palm. I sucked and kissed each of his fingers and knuckles. I pushed past his hand and against his bare shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me down into the floor with him. He piled my clothing against the edge of the tub and laid his head against it. He stroked my hair. I was so happy just to lie my head on his torso with our arms tangled around one another. When I woke up there was silence. ]]>Buzznetsammieway2008-09-10T14:57:00Zhttp://www.buzznet.com/assets/icons/journal-thumb.gifhttp://www.buzznet.com/assets/icons/journal-synd.gifhttp://www.buzznet.com/assets/icons/journal-mob.gifhttp://www.buzznet.com/assets/icons/journal-gallery.gifhttp://www.buzznet.com/assets/icons/journal-large.gifhttp://www.buzznet.com/assets/icons/journal-feat.gif30<![CDATA[frank iero sharpie sketch may 08]]>
http://sammieway.buzznet.com/user/photos/frank-iero-sharpie-sketch-may/?id=43270291
]]>Buzznetsammieway2008-09-05T15:26:33Zhttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/frank_iero_sharpie_sketch_may_08--thumb-msg-122065370832.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/frank_iero_sharpie_sketch_may_08--synd-msg-122065370832.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/frank_iero_sharpie_sketch_may_08--mob-msg-122065370832.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/frank_iero_sharpie_sketch_may_08--gallery-msg-122065370832.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/frank_iero_sharpie_sketch_may_08--large-msg-122065370832.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/frank_iero_sharpie_sketch_may_08--feat-msg-122065370832.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/msg-122065370832.jpg60<![CDATA[i like his hair like that haha]]>
http://sammieway.buzznet.com/user/photos/i-like-hair-like-haha/?id=43113761
]]>my chemical romanceBuzznet,my chemical romancesammieway2008-09-02T16:57:39Zhttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/i_like_his_hair_like_that_haha--thumb-msg-122039985871.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/i_like_his_hair_like_that_haha--synd-msg-122039985871.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/i_like_his_hair_like_that_haha--mob-msg-122039985871.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/i_like_his_hair_like_that_haha--gallery-msg-122039985871.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/i_like_his_hair_like_that_haha--large-msg-122039985871.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/i_like_his_hair_like_that_haha--feat-msg-122039985871.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/msg-122039985871.jpg10<![CDATA[awww mommy frank]]>
http://sammieway.buzznet.com/user/photos/awww-mommy-frank/?id=43113741
]]>my chemical romanceBuzznet,my chemical romancesammieway2008-09-02T16:57:38Zhttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/awww_mommy_frank--thumb-msg-122039985744.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/awww_mommy_frank--synd-msg-122039985744.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/awww_mommy_frank--mob-msg-122039985744.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/awww_mommy_frank--gallery-msg-122039985744.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/awww_mommy_frank--large-msg-122039985744.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/awww_mommy_frank--feat-msg-122039985744.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/msg-122039985744.jpg10<![CDATA[]]>
http://sammieway.buzznet.com/user/photos/?id=43113731
]]>my chemical romanceBuzznet,my chemical romancesammieway2008-09-02T16:57:37Zhttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/thumb-msg-122039985367.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/synd-msg-122039985367.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/mob-msg-122039985367.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/gallery-msg-122039985367.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/large-msg-122039985367.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/feat-msg-122039985367.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/msg-122039985367.jpg00<![CDATA[]]>
http://sammieway.buzznet.com/user/photos/?id=43113711
]]>my chemical romanceBuzznet,my chemical romancesammieway2008-09-02T16:57:36Zhttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/thumb-msg-122039985202.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/synd-msg-122039985202.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/mob-msg-122039985202.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/gallery-msg-122039985202.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/large-msg-122039985202.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/feat-msg-122039985202.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/msg-122039985202.jpg00<![CDATA[]]>
http://sammieway.buzznet.com/user/photos/?id=43113701
]]>my chemical romanceBuzznet,my chemical romancesammieway2008-09-02T16:57:35Zhttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/thumb-msg-122039984793.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/synd-msg-122039984793.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/mob-msg-122039984793.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/gallery-msg-122039984793.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/large-msg-122039984793.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/feat-msg-122039984793.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/msg-122039984793.jpg10<![CDATA[]]>
http://sammieway.buzznet.com/user/photos/?id=43113011
]]>bob bryarfrank ierogerard waymcrBuzznet,bob bryar,frank iero,gerard way,mcrsammieway2008-09-02T16:46:22Zhttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/thumb-msg-122039919947.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/synd-msg-122039919947.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/mob-msg-122039919947.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/gallery-msg-122039919947.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/large-msg-122039919947.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/feat-msg-122039919947.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/msg-122039919947.jpg00<![CDATA[he always has the coolest hats]]>
http://sammieway.buzznet.com/user/photos/he-always-coolest-hats/?id=43113001
]]>frank ierogerard waymcrmikey wayBuzznet,frank iero,gerard way,mcr,mikey waysammieway2008-09-02T16:46:21Zhttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/he_always_has_the_coolest_hats--thumb-msg-122039919566.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/he_always_has_the_coolest_hats--synd-msg-122039919566.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/he_always_has_the_coolest_hats--mob-msg-122039919566.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/he_always_has_the_coolest_hats--gallery-msg-122039919566.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/he_always_has_the_coolest_hats--large-msg-122039919566.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/he_always_has_the_coolest_hats--feat-msg-122039919566.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/msg-122039919566.jpg210<![CDATA[]]>
http://sammieway.buzznet.com/user/photos/?id=43112981
]]>frank ierogerard waymcrBuzznet,frank iero,gerard way,mcrsammieway2008-09-02T16:46:20Zhttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/thumb-msg-122039918979.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/synd-msg-122039918979.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/mob-msg-122039918979.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/gallery-msg-122039918979.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/large-msg-122039918979.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/feat-msg-122039918979.jpghttp://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/sammieway/default/msg-122039918979.jpg011
